Post 25: Accepting your new Self...
Hello,
It's my month of exams ( exam stress starts again see here ), the month of fear, anger and virulence against me. Be careful, it's going to swing!
Absolute sincerity is my credo :) oh yeah!
I don't have time to waste anymore!
I have to come out of the forced isolation of post-K, and there is work (well actually from reading me, there is always work haha) ;)
Write your new story, your new fairy tale…. I've already talked about it a little (here), but accepting who we are after Mister K takes a long time, it's even painful. So it's not over, I'm still going to bombard you with my endless tirades, emptying saK!
I think only K fighters know that feeling of emptiness that overwhelms us after the battle.
I go through several states, the excitement of going “ always further, stronger, faster, to the end of the extreme limit ” (you will note my references of great cultural wealth, generation 90 obliges: @ credit / series Etreme Limite , I'm afraid of nothing), but when I go too far into the heart of the action it's not always my Happiness nor my passion, on the horizon, because I'm still so angry, at lively & mentally fragile! It's not for lack of trying to convince myself otherwise...
The acceptance of post-K can obviously be physical but for me it is above all moral….
I'm angry because at 29, I will always be different from people my age, I dream of lightness but I no longer know how to be light, sometimes I want everything and I want nothing, I I want to live, yes, there is no doubt, but how can I live again correctly, without apprehension or anger....?
So many questions rush through my head, and the first is to tell myself “but you don't have the right to feel bad, while you wanted to be there alive, some people didn't have the chance to ask your questions then STOP" ... But when I take stock of the losses I left along the way it's hard... it's stronger than me...
I'm not in a mega mood, some people break down quite a bit, I oscillate, because I have developed this boosting self-conviction, but sometimes it's too much, it's too much to believe myself stronger, it's too much to pretend "not even bad" while my heart is still bleeding profusely, it's too much to be different, it's hard not to stick to a predefined mold that society imposes...
It's too much to be 29 years old and to fear that the next time I go out I'll still have to learn that a close friend is carrying a child. I don't blame anyone, but I can't seem to feign joy. , I am always referred to my “condition”, my inner emptiness which screams its pain, I blame my body for having made me this Vacherie…. I’m angry with this M… from K for depriving me of my dream…. I blame my life for not being able to be simple...
And then, I'm tired of punctuating my outings according to my intestinal whims linked to my 6 mutilating surgeries (including 3 laparotomies which don't help anything), to this stoma which will have disrupted everything, to these 36 chemos which also screw up the intestines, let's just say that it doesn't help me to make my thoughts light, this damn transit problem (let's not be afraid of words / evils)…
No longer eating vegetables is super annoying, I miss it, being afraid to go to dinner with friends at the risk that the menu is not adapted to the ex cancer patient is extremely disabling to readjust to the social mold; worrying about whether the toilets are clean everywhere I go, punctuating my outings according to this “detail” is not what we call a normal life, especially when you are as modest as I am…
Problems of this type we don't talk about when we're a girl from a good family, who wants to be dignified and "elegant", but it's my new life too, accepting it with "lightness" & refinement I I haven't found the key yet...
Being different at 29 also means being menopausal and only being able to complain about it to women 25 years older because fortunately my friends don't experience that!
This lack of lightness is annoying, it sometimes forces you to isolate yourself... And then, to always want to make sense of everything, when deep down I would like to savor the present moment and regain carefreeness.
But when carefreeness disappears, it doesn't come back? if ?
I have to love myself again, because I can't tolerate that my body did this to me!
I have to let go, because I really miss not worrying about what I'm going to be able to do in the next minute, I want to control everything, because my body prevented me from controlling the invasion, I have to master the controllable, but I want to let go of ballast, let myself be rocked, twirl, savor. Talking about clothes with my friends, laughing about Rihanna's latest hairstyle... I want to live with "importance" but with bursts of futile breath, futility is essential to feel alive...
Only the passage of time heals the wounds, doesn't it, but how long does it take? For the pain to escape, how long does it take to give up in the face of the unbearable, not being able to be a Mom on my own one day? Can we accept this?
I would love to give up, I'm looking to make my life more beautiful, but maybe it's not enough to take it on yourself but just to let yourself be lulled by the minutes without worrying about what comes next; but after cancer is this possible?
I don't love myself anymore (if I ever loved myself), but the only positive thing is that I've never been self-conscious, so at least that's a gain, my straight line scar 33 cm vertical on the stomach I don't care, I live with it it's no big deal. What undermines me is my brain which thinks too much, I never look back but too far forward and in fact I scare myself, what if I just looked now :)
How do you expect me to learn to re-accept compromises, constraints, when this illness has offered me the worst possible constraints on a platter of solid gold.
I no longer know how and no longer want to force myself into anything, except for those and what are worth it. (Major incapacity for collective and political life in perspective... oops)
Mister K you changed my life…. for the better and also a bit much for the worse, let’s be honest…
However, I will make your intrusion & the damage that you have created: my strength, my asset to move forward, because your bites of incredible brutality have taught me one thing, and that is that I will never let you win, I will not I don't have the right!
You'll see, everything will change, it will take the time it takes, but I'm going to give you the biggest beating of your life in my new life, which is still under construction, but this life is going to be crazy enough to make your dirty face turn pale!
I don't want to cry anymore, I want to laugh, sing, dance, I want to enjoy it justly, to enjoy it and to share it with those I love so much, just give me a few long seconds to put things back in order, and I will return it to you a hundredfold! I want to live for real actually, enjoy the minute that passes...
The list of combat assets to finally KIFFER (I love lists, hehe, it’s the “control freak” that I am who is speaking):
1/Try day after day to accept/abdicate in the face of the intolerable
My damage is not visible but my head nevertheless suffers from the losses I left behind during the war.
It's just this damn scar right in the middle of my stomach that reminds me of what's missing inside, it doesn't help to zap but it will...
2/Don't forget that despite everything I am feminine, I am a woman! Girl power!
Force myself to take the time every morning to look at myself in the mirror, in the face, naked, and learn to re-love my body by forgiving it, amen!
3/I must:
- Accept my difference / and make it an asset, as this quote that I love from René Char would say: “Impose your luck, embrace your happiness and go towards your risk. Looking at you, they will get used to it.”
- Accept that my life and my projects are done differently
- Accept to see life differently
- Agree to be happy differently, write new moments of essential happiness
- Write a new fairy tale
- Forgive my body for doing this dirty trick to me
As my friends, the creator of Same and Well Me, would say: “even as a sick ex, I love myself” and people will love me, it’s my new trademark, my strength and no longer my weakness, and they will love me. love like that!!
Go for it, yes! But sometimes when I turn around and look at the progress I have made, I tell myself that I have already achieved a lot since this flow of M…..
Tell myself every morning I love myself because I must love myself to love others
I live because I fought for this life like a dog!
AND last but not least: prepare for a parachute jump: with a parachute (it's better) + a military instructor (it's more reassuring), because I believe that it will be the most beautiful symbol to relearn how to let go and to trust again, well yes if my life depends on another guy (this charming expert instructor), by taking the plunge, I think that after that I wouldn't have much choice to let go for real ;)!! !
As the wise P. <3 would say: it's easier to languish in your pain every day than to force yourself every day to be happy, so now move on, chuis Almost ready Happiness will & must come to me / reach out to us!!
Beautiful day
Keep strong, positive & keep smiling (almost) everyday, a K fighter recently whispered these words to me!!
Charlotte
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