Post 19: big orga new life....
When I was told that I was ( FINALLY ) in remission ( last September ), my first reaction was to be desperate for it to come back, but above all I became super impatient... Even more than before... OUCH!
Making up for lost time: it's not possible!
Doing everything you've always dreamed of doing in a week: that's not possible either...
For me this reorganization phase took a few months... organizing my new life, really knowing what I wanted to do, in what order, how, why...?
But where to start ….
The reconstruction phase is not an easy task ( still a major project in fact ;) ), obviously I was relieved to no longer be in the whirlwind of K, but strangely faced with this new blank page to rewrite, I I started as if... uh... a kind of big depression ... It's difficult to recover the motivational energy, when you have just fought like an animal during this war...
The anxiety hovering that the K will say hello again first. Realizing what I had just gone through for a year and a half... Evaluating the losses and the feathers I had left behind in the battle...
During that time, I was in a washer, with the sole objective of getting out of it, while also trying to adopt a “positive attitude” to arm my fight even stronger with all the good plans possible!
But when we finally tell you that we are in Remission, well it's horrible to say but I didn't jump for joy... my body suffered what we call sportsman's catalepsy as I talked about in my last post “ exam stress ”, you know like the famous great athletes who collapse after a tournament, well it was the same for me, I collapsed after experiencing the biggest marathon of my life… difficult to explain to your loved ones... they are so happy to know that you are finally recovered... And above all a hyper paradoxical feeling, of starting to get depressed when you touch the life for which you fought so hard....
Well no, I had decided to continue my star whim: collapse; no more energy, want to talk about it again and again, while everyone wants to forget...
But I can't forget, this K shit just stole almost 2 years of my life, that's why the blog was born, because I needed to talk, to share with other K fighters , to pass on my tips but also to explain what life is like during & after K ... To feel understood by "insiders", and as you often tell me in your many messages, perhaps for me too feel less alone in my head, hidden behind my screen.... :)
Eh yes ! We don't come out the same, I will never be the same again, it changed my life for the better and a little for the worse too ( in relation to infertility )...
However, if I am honest, I try to see it as the best, I am in constant “self-persuasion” of the best. We are better after the K because we know ourselves; we ultimately save time... we win in wisdom, in maturity, in humility, in demands, but also in intransigence, and a lot of internal violence oops... :)
Well, I'm losing track a little... What I wanted to get at is that when the blank page is in front of you, you just have to be a little patient, put your head in order, step by step, and don't want to do everything at once! Be a little patient (even though we don't want to be since we want to make the most of it, but to make the most of it we have to clean up)!
Also, start some REAL introspection! It's been 2 years that I have been astonishingly egocentric, without concession, without filter, I urgently need to readjust to social & collective life ! Reopen the door to the world of “normal” people, give way to futility and lightness, relearn how to give love.
It's not easy, because touching death up close, let's say, plunges you into a kind of philosophy of life that is a little mystical, a little different, a little strange for ordinary mortals... I became Buddha, Shiva, all at once, with an excess of slumbering anger, ready to burst out at the slightest word from those I love who try to understand, and say the trigger word that will make me roar... ( poor people: ( )
The K during but also after , it leaves big after-effects, and the biggest one beyond the mutilating physical losses, is that it isolates this idiot... It isolates because we are caught in this mystical neurosis that sometimes gives lessons …But be indulgent, it’s normal, I no longer see life with the carefree attitude of my age…
I have become a sort of wild creature, hyper-intolerant of noise, crowds and futility, yet I need it!
The truth I believe, it's just a certain frustration, the frustration of the fear that it will come back, the lion which comes out of its cage but which has lived too long inside, nevertheless wants to stay 2 meters away to reassure itself!
I have to break this isolation I am not the definition of cancer, I am Charlotte I am 29 years old now, I am alive, I am lucky to be, the K has changed me, but has not not erased who I really was (thank you A. & P. for constantly reminding me <3), I had a hard time, I just found new resources, I must not lose sight of the fact that my to- do list new life to rebuild is super motivating and endless !!!
I want to: go shopping again, I want to talk about girly things with my friends again, I want to look in the mirror and tell myself that I'm still a woman even if I can't have children on my own, I have to put 100% back on track, and it’s coming slowly but surely…
My “to-do list” started with:
1) see my psychologist very regularly
2) box until you lose your breath
3) work with people again
>> it seems stupid, but I admit that I had become very isolated and no longer used to community life
4) talk about myself sincerely again to those close to me (explain to them that I still need them to guide me) but also see them again by talking about them (always about me of course, but a lot about them ;))
5) change apartment that is bathed in too much Mister K
6) adopt a dog to take care of someone other than myself ;)
7) think about what I would like to do with my life now!
so there's a big challenge:
>> Learn to love myself again, no longer blame my body for having done this nasty thing to me....
>>> Rewrite a new dream, because my little girl's fairy tale took a big hit on the face.... Live, really, create my new dreams by making this ordeal an asset!
>>>> Travel to recharge my batteries!
Good ! I still have to put my head in order because it's flying at 1000 miles an hour!
But the motivation is intact!!!
I love my job, I'm a stylist I design clothes, but I was missing something, something for me, I realize that I never asked myself the question, knowing what I wanted to do In my opinion ! I've always worked for others, but I never thought about that....
This is where the blog took its essence, this blog is a part of my life, which I know like the back of my hand!! And above all I share with you, you who are experiencing or have experienced the battle, you who know like me all this whirlwind of thoughts that the K generates in a life!
8) Create my project, and yes MY project // our project ( for the K fighting Klub ), the logical continuation of the blog, because I am no longer the same but Mister K has made me stronger, giving even more meaning , to give him the biggest snub imaginable.
Create the perfect battle setting for you K fighters ! So be patient, it's under major construction... I'll tell you more very very soon, and you will discover it physically next December if the stars continue to align normally ;)
Keep fighting for a new life!! And do yourself good!! After Mister K, we deserve the best, let's build the best now!!
Thank you for taking the time to read me Have a nice day everyone
Charlotte<:en> We have to clean up, and reorganize the “ TO DO” by priorities…
Hello,When I was told that I was (FINALLY) in remission (last September), my first reaction was to be nervous that it would come back, but I especially became hyper impatient… More than ever…. OUCH! Make up for lost time: it ’s not possible! Do what we ever wanted in one week: it is not possible either … For me, this reorganization step took a few months… organize my brand new life, really want what I want to do, in which order, how, why..? But where to start… The reconstruction phase is not a side issue (still in construction by the way ☺), I was obviously relieved to end with K vortex, but strangely faced this new blank page to rewrite, I started as you might say … huh… being really depressed … Tough to recover the motivation energy, when I fought like a beast during this war… Anxiety hovering that K will come back to say hello first. Realize what I went through during a year and a half… Evaluate the losses and feathers I had left in the battle… During, I was in a washing machine, while aiming to cope, trying to adopt on top of that the “positive attitude” to be well armed with all the possible good plans! But, when they finally told me that you I was in remission, although that's awful to say I didn't jump for joy…. my body suffered what we called the sportsman catalepsy as I told you in my last post “ Stress exams ” you know like famous athletes who collapse after a competition, well for me it was the same, I collapsed after living the greatest marathon of my life … tough to explain to your loved ones … them who are so happy to know you are completely healed … And especially an hyper paradoxical feeling, to start being depressed when we get back the life for which we fought so hard… Well no, I decided to follow my star ’s whim : collapse, not an ounce of energy, the desire to talk about it again and again, whereas everyone wants to forget it… Yet, I can't forget, this K shit almost stole 2 years of my life, thanks to the birth of the blog, because I need to talk, sharing with other K fighters, to convey my tricks but also to explain what is life during and after K … To feel understood by “insiders” and as you often say in your numerous messages, maybe for myself not to feel alone in my mind, hidden behind my screen … ☺ Oh yeah ! We do not escape unscathed, I will never be the same, he changed my life for the best and also slightly for the worst (related to infertility)… However, if I am honest, I am trying to see the best part of him, I am in constant “auto persuasion” of the best. We are better after the K because you know yourself: you save time actually, you gain wisdom, maturity, humility, exigency, adamancy, and big inside violence oops.. ☺ Well, I am a bit losing my train … What I was saying, is when the blank page is in front of you, you have to be patient, put order in your head , step by step, and not want to do everything suddenly! Be a little bit patient (whereas we don't want to be at all because we want to thoroughly enjoy, but if we want to enjoy we have to tidy up) Also, start some REAL introspection! It's been 2 years that I am an astounding egocentricity, uncompromising, without filter, it's urgent to readapt to social and collective life! Reopen the door to “normal” people in the world, let place to futility and lightness, relearn to give love. It's not easy, because touching death closely let's say that it immerses you in a kind of life philosophy a little bit mystique, a little odd, it sounds weird for the average individual … I became Buddha, Shiva, at the same time, with on top of that an overfilling of anger that dozes, ready to explode at the lesser word from those I love and try to understand me, and say the trigger word that will make me roar… (the poor ☹) K during but also after, leaves big sequels, and the biggest one hereafter mutilating losses, that he insulates this asshole…He insulates because we are taken in this mystique neurosis sometimes preachy… But stay indulgent it's normal, I no longer see life with the carelessness of my age… I became a kind of wild girl, ultra intolerant to noise, crowd, and futility, besides I need them! The truth is I think, just a certain frustration, the frustration of fear that it will come back, the lion getting out of his cage but living for a too long time inside, wants to stay however at 2 meters to reinsure himself! I have to break this isolation I'm not the cancer definition, I am Charlotte I am now 29, alive, I'm lucky to be, the K changed me, but didn't erase who I really was (thank you A. and P repeating me endlessly<3); I really suffered, I've just found new resources, I can't let out of my sight my to-do list new life to start from scratch is ultra motivating and never-ending!!! I want: to do shopping again, I want to talk about girly things with my friends, I want to watch myself in the mirror and tell me that I am still a woman even if I am not able to have children by myself, I must put myself back on track, advancing slowly but surely… My “ to-do list” started by:
- See my shrink continuously
- Boxing until wasting for breath
- Rework with people
However, incentive is intact!!!I love my job, I am a style designer I design clothes, but I miss something, one thing for me, I realize that I never ask myself this question, know what do I want to do for me! I always worked for others, but I never thought about that… This is where the blog has taken its essence, that blog; it's a piece of my life that I know like the back of my hand!! And especially I share with you, you who live or lived battles, who know like me all the thoughts whirlpool that K generates in one life! 8) Create my project, yeah MY project // our project ( for the K fighting Klub ) the logical sequence of the blog, because I am not the same but Mister K made me stronger, give even more meaning, thumb bigger one's nose at him. Create the perfect battle frame for you all , K fighters! so patience, it's a big construction … I will tell you more about that very soon, and you will physically discover it next December if stars normally line up ;) Keep fighting for a new life!! And enjoy!! After Mister K, we deserve the best, let ’s build the best now!! Thank you for taking the time to read me Have a nice day to you all. Charlotte <:>