Post 18: The stress of exams...
Like before the baccalaureate, the stress of exams after Mister K!!!
One day my favorite oncologist told me that the treatments were over, that I was in remission …. And strangely I didn't jump for joy...
Why... that's all I was waiting for... for it to finally stop, me so "positive" during the battle, now I'm on the verge of tears... I can't rejoice, I'm ashamed of not not rejoice, I'm lucky to have “come out of it”… but… I can't really believe it, I'm already afraid that it will come back, and I'm especially afraid of what will come after, everything what I have to rebuild...
Any high-level athlete, which I am not really (!), knows the phenomenon of “ catalepsy ” well. After an ordeal where all the muscles, the mind, the soul, have been requested beyond the ordinary, the body and the spirit often get stuck in a form of irrational tetany which no longer leaves any room for joy. . The boys who read me, and perhaps a few girls, will go on YouTube to see Bob Beamon's unreal feat at the Mexico 68 Olympics to see how this athlete literally collapsed after his incredible performance ( 8m90 on vault). length, jump considered impossible until this obvious fact: he had just done it and he collapsed! )... This may be the explanation for my blues bordering on tetany, upon hearing the end of my treatments.
My mind is racing, I have a thousand ideas a second but completely lost, and the thing that comes back full force is: don't project too much, don't dream too much, because if Mister K comes back, he'll still have everything undermine...
This extremely unpleasant feeling fortunately fades with time, the more the days, the months, pass, the more the “dark” memories give way to life, to projects, to reconstruction: the real thing!
But a few events plunge you back into this neurasthenia:
THE FIRST ONE:
- the slightest pain, which makes you think REPEAT, including the micro pain at the tip of the toe, which tells you shit, even the most improbable places are not safe from Mister K ! (in these cases, don't let anxiety set in, call your oncologist to "reassure" you, ask for an examination to calm you down! Stress should no longer invade the lives of ex-fighters )
- exam stress!
As you have understood, I have been in remission since September 2014 , yay :)! But I am followed like milk on the stove every 3 months for another 1 year, then after that it will be every 6 months for another 3 years, and after that every year for 5 years, but as it is gone I think it will be for quite a while ;)
>> so I might as well tell you that "exam stress" I have a little time to get used to...
In short, whatever happens, I'm in my week of exams... and I'm, as it were, paralyzed by the fear, the scare is nice, I'm paralyzed, by this terror that's reborn... And I am, let's admit it in a dog's mood with my loved ones...
The days before the exam your head is boiling, and then I'm going through all the film noir again... it's been 9 months that I've been OVER , it's been 9 months that I've been putting my life back in order, that I have a thousand projects that are jostle in my head, that I relive "Almost" normally, and now I really have the chips that this shit from K will come and destroy everything again...
No word from my loved ones calms me down, because the truth is that as long as we don't have the results in hand, nothing can relieve this anxiety, I read that it was “normal” for anyone with lived the K war suffered from this anguish which destroys you, it's normal then... But it's hard, it's hard because this war has already destroyed so many things in its path (my fertility, my carelessness...) , but it also strengthened me, I am ready to move mountains since then, I have an unprecedented rage for life, I do not want the dreams that I am trying to build to stop again...
I cry, I close up like an oyster, I am violent with those I love, they understand without understanding, they want to reassure me so much... I know that they are afraid too, but I cannot give them the key to helping me pass this wait in a more peaceful way...
My “tips” for trying to “rationalize” the uncontrollable:
- stuff myself with pills/anxiolitics ( prescribed by my on-course psychiatrist: no self-medication )!
- meditate (with Petit Bambou for example ;))
- ease up a little because I'm not good for anything until the Scanner / MRI / echo / PET scan has spoken
- wait "impatiently", we grit our teeth, for the opening of my blood test result and see where my famous CA125 is: the "friend" of the K fighters of the ovary (which must be below <35)
- do me good, call Véro and her fairy fingers to soothe me
- see my psychologist to shout out my fear, and at the same time scream at him, it's liberating ;)
- box until you lose your breath!!!
- playing Candy Crush again, it's been a long time!!!!
- stupefy myself watching stupid/happy/girly films
- write this post ;)
>>> wait for it to pass .... hoping for good news, to leave even stronger, even more positive, even more angry to live! and move not 1000 but 100,000 mountains!!
So you have to be patient then... (um... easy to say)
Maybe I've been recovering for too short a time, my psychologist tells me that over time these anxieties lessen, the better the results will be, looking forward to it in 10 years :)!!!
BTW: I don't know what you think but I think after Mister K's visit, we're no longer afraid of getting old! on the contrary, I rejoice at the paradoxical idea of gaining one more year over time! it will always be a victory and a beautiful symbol of facing the passing of time! So I love my birthday!!!!
PS: I wrote this post in the pre-results phase, I have the result of my scan and my CA125: 6.5, since yesterday >> verdict: RAS , I did not change the first words I had written under the burden of fear, voluntarily, because after my results I am really relieved, but I can tell you that I was not being smart (as you may have read), and in 3 months it will be a surprise for the huge spike in stress!
Since yesterday, I have taken over the lead and I am ready to move these famous 1000000 mountains!!! Life goes on again!
Have a nice day everyone.
Charlotte<:en> Like before the SAT, the stress of the exams after Mister K!!!
One day my favorite oncologist told me that the treatments were finished, that I was in remission…and strangely I didn't jump for joy…
Why… it is however all that I was waiting for… that it stops finally, I "so positive" during the battle, there I am close to tears …I cannot be delighted, I am ashamed about not being delighted, I am lucky enough to have “survived” it…but…. I cannot believe it I am already afraid that it will return, and I am especially afraid of what is going to come later, all that I have to reconstruct …
Every high-level sportsman, what I am not really (!), knows well the phenomenon of "catalepsy". After an event where all the mental, the soul, the muscles were requested beyond the ordinary, the body and the spirit often jam in a shape of irrational craziness which leaves no more place to the enjoyment.The boys who read me, and maybe some girls, will go on YouTube to see Bob Beamon's unreal feat in the JO of Mexico in 1968 to notice how this athlete literally collapsed after his incredible performance (8m90 in the long jump, the jump considered impossible until this obvious fact: he had just made it and he collapses!)? Here maybe the explanation to my blues at the borders of craziness, do the announcement of the end of my treatments.
My spirit is running around through all sides, I have one thousand ideas at the second but completely bulk, and the thing that returns quite hard is: do not project too much, do not dream too much, because if Mister K returns, he will blow everything away…
This unpleasant feeling, becomes blurred fortunately with time, the more days, months, passes, the more the "dark" memories give way to life, to the projects, to the reconstruction: the real!
But some events dive you into this neurathesnia:
- The slightest pain, which reminds you RECURRENCE, including the smallest pain at the end of the toe, which tells you shit, even the most improbable places are not shielded from Mister K! (In these cases there, "to reassure" do not let the anxiety settle down, call your oncologist, ask for an examination to calm yourself down! S tress should not i nvade any more the life of ex fighte r s)
THE MOST IMPORTANT:
- the stress of the exams !
As you have understood, I am in remission since September 2014 , yay! But i am happy as milk on the stove every 3 months during 1 year, and after it will be every 6 months during 3 years, and then it will be every year during 5 years, so as far as i'm concerned this feeling will stay with me
> so the “ stress of exams ” I will have time to get used to it …
In brief, Here I am in my week of exams… and I am paralyzed so to speak by the fright, the fright it is kind, I am paralyzed, by this terror which reborns…And I am, let me admit it in a rotten mood with my close friends…
Days before examining your head bubbles, and there I recover all the details of this dark movie… it has been 9 months since I am BACK , it has been 9 months since I set my life in order, that I have one thousand projects in my head, which I saw again "almost" normally, and there I am really scared that this shit of K again comes to destroy everything …
No word of my close friends / relations calms me, because the truth it is that as long as we have not the results in hand, nothing can relieve this anxiety, I read that it was "normal" that every person having lived the war of K suffered from this anxiety which annihilates you, it is normal then …But it is hard, it is hard because this war has already destroyed so many things on its passage (my fertility, my carefreeness), but it also strengthened me, I am ready to move mountains since then, I have an unprecedented passion for life, I do not want that the dreams that I am trying to build stops again…
I cry, I am closed as an oyster, I am violent with those who I love, they understand without understanding, they so much want to reassure me I know that they are afraid too, but I do not manage to give them the key to help me to make me cross this wait in a more peaceful way…
My “ tips ” to try to “ rationalize ” the non-controllable :
- fill myself with pills/anxiolytc ( prescribed by my shrink of course : no auto medication )!
- meditate (with Petit Bambou for example)
- take it slow because I cannot do anything while the Scanner / M RI / echo / scan won't have talked
- wait “impatiently”, by clenching the teeth, the wrapping up of my results of my blood work and to discover where my famous CA125 stands: the “friend” of the K fighters of ovary (it should be below <35)
- treat myself, call Véro and her magic fingers to relax me
- see my shrink to shout my scare, and at the same time shout at him, it helps me
- box until i cannot breathe!!!
- restart playing at Candy Crush, it's been a while !!!!
- daze in front of stupid / girly / happy movies
- write this post
>>> Wait that time passes …. by hoping for a good news, to restart even stronger, more positive, without even more love for life! and to move to 1000 but 100000 mountains!!
We shall be patient … (um … easy to say )
Maybe I am back since too little time, my shrink tells me that over time these fears decrease, more the results will be good, cannot wait to be in 10 years!!!
BTW: I do not know what you think of it but I believe that after the visit of Mister K, we are not afraid of getting old ! On the contrary I am delighted in the paradoxical idea to win one year more with time! It will always be a victory and a beautiful symbol to face the time that has passed! so now I love my birthday!!!!
I wrote this comment in the phase before results, I have the result of my scan and my CA125: 6.5 , since yesterday > > verdict: Nothing , I did not change the first words which I had written under the burden of the fear, voluntarily, because after my results I am really relieved, but I can tell you that I wasn't playing smartass (how you were able to read it), and in 3 months it will be same thing again for the enormous peak of stress!
Since yesterday, I summarized the lead and I am in block to move these famous 1000000 mountains!!! Life goes on again!
Beautiful day to all of you