Post 12: my eggs in the CECOS basket....
My eggs in one basket...
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Unlike La Fontaine's Fable , Prof M, far from being stingy, upon opening he found it my Treasure!
And it was not won…At first I believed that my golden eggs were resting “wisely”….
Sensitive and militant souls, refrain from reading this post ;)
Know that I am not a believer, I would have liked to be, to face this whole battle, so today by reading my words and my journey, if you do not agree, refrain from all comments, if you do not want to attract the wrath of the thunder of Zeuz , because an exalted lioness is slumbering within me; )
If you want to read me despite your convictions AGAINST what will follow, I would be grateful if you would take the necessary step back, because you have the kindness and wisdom to respect my freedom of expression and open a way for those who wish it. and might need it if they ended up in my K , if they also wanted to find a “chilled eggs” option…
Also note to those who read these lines, I can in no way assure that my decision is possible for everyone, but in life I start from the principle that we must at least try so as not to “regret” .
This is probably the most complicated post to tackle, but I have to talk about it for those like me who want to fight for this ode to life, that of being able one day to perhaps give it away whatever the way of giving it. arrive :)
So forgive the tone of this post, I will try to do my best to give it the light tone that I usually want to give it. But of all this fight against Mister K , this one is by far the one on which I have the most difficulty adopting a “ positive attitude ” (to each their own burden, but I hope not to take you hostage in my story, this is in no way my intention; see this narration as such a personal introspection / reflection, which I will continue to work with my shrink ;))
Indeed, while writing, I myself oscillate between smiles, tears and a sinking heart, because it is above all the story of one of the biggest battles of my K ...
At the age of 27 I was told that I had ovarian cancer (to find out the story go to post 2: story of my K )… I very quickly understood that my chances of carrying a child were almost zero.. When Prof L told me “ I’m going to save you but we’ll take everything away!” ”
However, in my life as a “spoiled” child, I was always told, when you want you can... But unfortunately I had to come to terms with this harsh reality that sometimes, even when you want, sometimes you can't...
This April 19 , 2013, during the verdict of my Ovarian Cancer, I see under my feet this dream shattering, but NO I cannot accept that with a single unilateral and peremptory opinion, I must, in the space of a few minutes resolve to a fatality, that of infertility.
Strength of my ( bad ) character, a battle began this day of April 19, 2013 , I turned on my heels to Prof L's office, and I went to investigate: find a doctor who would at least agree to try to put my eggs in the fridge , it was after 2 consultations that I would then meet the one I would see as my ungodly MESSIAH, Prof. M. specialized in fertility.
He will then tell me, without promising anything, that we should at least try, but that we must not waste time because I am already on my 2nd chemo ( chemo + eggs do not mix well ). 3 days later, after a blood test showing that I am still “fertile”, Prof M sent me to his Clinic on May 27, 2013 to try to collect the monthly spawning ;) and there... miracle! He managed to harvest one of my ovaries almost intact! He sent it straight away in his freezer bag to CECOS.
And it is thanks to the miracle of medicine that Prof P's team at Tenon hospital will stimulate my large egg in vitro, to harvest oocytes and oocyte fragments, so that one day soon I can try to fertilize by GPA the belly of another generous woman :): a surrogate mother
Well, I just hope that at Tenon they didn't mess up the labels on my tray of eggs ;) and that they are protected in a bunker like the one at the Pentagon, at the risk that a fanatic rooster wants to recover all the bass's eggs are running!
When the day of trying to have our child comes ( unless French laws finally agree to see the world as many civilized and Christian countries already see it ), I will leave for abroad with my basket of golden eggs to attempt this wonderful challenge, and I hope to succeed because I fought like a beast to achieve it, it would be the greatest reward of my life, the fulfillment of this deepest dream...
"I must also specify that I hold an American passport, because I was born in the USA. So far be it from me to encourage people not to respect the French law on GPA , at this evolving stage of the question, I simply have the option not to submit to it."
Today, despite this option which sleeps in the cold, I must nevertheless grieve, that of MY fertility , few are those, even those closest to me, who understand how difficult this stage is to accept. I think it's all the more difficult to accept because it was imposed on me, imposed by that big shit Mister K ...
First time in my life that I have had to resign myself to such a reality, I no longer have a uterus, I will never have the big belly I dreamed of so much since I was so young...
Those around me lovingly try to bring me back to my senses in a rational way, telling me that a child's love is built day after day, that everything was taken away from me to: save my life , that I had the luck of having succeeded in my "fresh eggs" intervention ( yes! but I created my "luck", at least that "won" ), know that I have absolutely no doubt about it, I know it; understand today that my work of acceptance is based solely on the passage of time, that of mourning, and of accepting that I will always be different from my friends...
Only time heals the wounds, only time dilutes this mourning, no words, no ready-made sentences will change anything, that's how it is, today, I just have to accept and live with it to rebuild myself
And believe me, I'm working on it ;)! for me first, for P. of course, my parents, but for you also my loved ones :)
I have to readjust to social & collective life!
I'm as eager as you are for the mourning to come to an end ( no pun intended ), but my end, I'm afraid it will last a little more than 9 months... ;)
At my age I have no other choice but to mourn, because life goes on, and around me news of pregnant women rains down, I am torn between the joy of sharing their Happiness, and inevitably being returned on my condition...
I know that the maternal instinct, as Elisabeth Badinter would say, is not innate, but since I was very young I secretly nourished this dream of being a mother, and of carrying a child by myself, I dreamed of looking at myself in a mirror with a big belly... Even when I was little, I disguised myself with cushions under my large dresses to create the illusion of motherhood. But that was before... My life will be different...
Well there you go, don't thank me for ruining your good mood for the day ;)
The aim of this post is not to calm my neuroses, it is just an opportunity to warn those like me who are in the same impasse, do not confine yourself to a single verdict if the timing of your treatments allows you to do so. , consult other opinions, to perhaps enlighten this route, without taking any risks of course :)!
Indeed, I think that when the announcement of the K falls we think first of our life of course, but for those who would like to think about life after the K ( because we have to hold on to it too ), and if that desire for a child is very present for me, don't forget that this option can exist in one way or another, I'm not saying that it works every time, but it exists and if you can try it, go for it !
Chemotherapy is really essential to attack bad cells, but let's not forget that it attacks all cells in the case of certain cocktails, including oocytes, so even if your Cancer is not gynecological, find out about the effects of your cocktails on these just in case ;)
Before starting treatments, ask your doctors if chemo affects fertility. I am aware that in the flood of “joyful” news from the beginning of K we don't think about this part, but you have to find out if it's important to you! Ask what are the risks of carrying a child after cancer, if the eggs will still be active after Mister K !
Egg retrieval is not always recommended due to the injection of hormones not very compatible with K, but ask all possible questions!
In France, you can, from what I understand ( but again I am not a doctor, so ask specialists ):
1) collect eggs by injecting hormones to stimulate the creation of eggs and then freeze them
2) what I did (oophorectomy for egg cryopreservation)
3) have an egg donation for in vitro fertilization
4) and of course adopt
This time not in France but in several European countries (Belgium / Spain for example) or in the USA (the only country I believe where you can choose the surrogate mother) you can also:
1) with your eggs (if you collected them) & the champions of your +1 make a GPA
2) with an egg donation & the champions of your +1 make a GPA
Ladies (not just K fighters, all of you!) :) I'm taking advantage of this post for a little "preventive" advice, don't forget to go at least once a year to your gynecologist for check-ups, make sure that your gynecologist is equipped with the appropriate equipment to examine you, I believe that it is important to do a pelvic ultrasound once a year in addition to your usual smear, because with the naked eye you cannot see the area perfectly! Think about it! For those who have had cases of Breast Cancer in their family , from the age of 30, find out about the frequencies of mamo & echo to be done! Without living in paranoia, I believe that we simply have to be vigilant!
Today, it is therefore in the name of my freedom of expression that I expressed the battle that I tirelessly defended, I respect contrary opinions, but I pledge that like all opinions ( preferably good ones ) we must let free speech to those who defend them, my blog is not a forum for debate of opinion, even if I myself am enthusiastic and militant at heart, amen! And to be honest I am for freedom of expression only for the righteous and not for idiots ;)!
And then once again we are always an excellent giver of lessons for others, but when shit hits you sometimes you revise your principles 360°, which you had nevertheless inflicted on others! To meditate …
It's like a politician who gives his opinion when he is Minister of Labor, but he has never worked in the real World of Work in his life ;) (too easy)
Anyway, I hope I was able to enlighten those who need it
Thank you to those who took the time to read me.
See you next week for the SPORT post !!! super important during & after the K (well, that's valid for everyone btw) ;)
See you soon
PS: if you are also a K fighter , you are discovering my blog for the first time and you need other practical tips, I invite you to go to the section: TIP KIT
Or read previous posts:
- Post 3: CHEMO WATCH KIT
- Post 4: D-DAY & AFTER CHEMO KIT
- Post 6: KIT OF THE EFFECTS OF MY CHEMO COCKTAILS (Carboplatin / Taxol / Avastin)
- Post 7: HAIR OBSESSION KIT
- Post 8: BEAUTY TRICKS KIT
- Post 9: The Look match during the K
- Post 11: Treatments alongside the booster
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The Frozen Eggs Mission! (the udge battle)
The Prof M. finally found my "treasure"
Sensitive souls and activist abstain from reading this post ;)
Know that I am not religious, I would have loved being it, I believe, to face all this battle, thus today by reading my words and my route, if you do not agree, refrain of any comments, if you do not want to incur the wrath of the thunder of Zeuz , because at the bottom of me an excited lioness slumbers ;)
If you are anxious to read to me in spite of your convictions AGAINST, what is going to follow, I invite you to take the necessary backward movement, and to think in the name of MY FREEDOM of Speech that to open a way to those who wish it and could need it if they find themselves in my K , and if they want too to find an option " eggs in the fridge " …
Notice also to those who would read these lines, I can in none assure that my decision is possible for all, but in life I believe that it is necessary to try at least "so not to regret".
It is probably the most complicated post to approach, but I have to speak about it for those who as me want to fight for this ode inlife, that to be able one day to give it no matter the circumstances :-)
Thus forgive, the tone of this post, I will try to do the best to give it the light tone which I am usually trying to write in, but of all this fight against Mister K, this is one by far the most painful to adopt "t he positive attitude " (each its burden, but I hope not to take you as a hostage in my narrative, it is not my intention; see this post in brief as an introspection / personal reflection, which I shall continue to work with my shrink ;))
Indeed, by writing, I oscillate between smiles, tears and tied Heart, because it is before anything the story of one of the biggest battle of my K …
At 27 years they announced that I was affected by an ovarian cancer (to learn more, see the post 2: story of my K ) …I very quickly understood that my chances to have a child were almost zero.. When the Doctor L announced " I am going to save you but we have to remove everything! ”
Except that in my life of "spoilt" child they always told me, when you want you can …But unfortunately I have to resolve in this harsh reality that sometimes, and ven if we want, we cannot …
On this April 19th, during the verdict of my ovarian cancer, I see my dream falling apart , but NO I cannot accept that with a single unilateral and peremptory opinion, I should, within some minutes resolve in a fate, the one of the infertility .
Strength of my (bad) character, a battle then began this day of April 19th 2013, I left the cabinet of doctor L, and I started the investigation: find a doctor who would at least agree to try to put my eggs in a cool place , after 2 consultations I meet then the one that I shall see as my GOD, the Doctor Mr. specialized in fertility (thanks to P.'s sister <3).
He will tell me then, without promising anything that we should try at least, but that I shouldn't lose any more time because I am already in my 2nd chemo (chemo + oocytes not the best couple). 3 days later, after a blood test showing that I am still "fertile", Doctor M sends me on May 27th, 2013 in his Private hospital to try to collect the monthly production;) and there, miracle! He manages to collect one of my almost intact ovary! He sent him straightaway straight to his freezer bag in the CECOS.
And thanks to the miracle of the medicine, team of the Doctor P at the hospital Tenon, will stimulate my big in vitro egg, to harvest oocytes, so that a day I can try to fertilize by GPA the stomach "under rented" from another generous woman :-) a surrogate mother.
Well, I just hope that Tenon hasn't gotten wrong the labels, on my egg basket ;) and that they are protected in a bunker as that one of the Pentagon at the risk that a fanatical cock wants to get all the eggs back!
When the day to try to have our child comes ( unless the French laws get modernized in the coming years ), I shall leave abroad with my basket of golden eggs to try this wonderful challenge, and I hope to be proved right because I fought as an animal to arrive there, it would be the most beautiful reward of my life, the fulfillment of this deepest dream…
Today, in spite of this option which sleeps in the freezer, I nevertheless have to make a mourning, the one of MY fertility, rare are those, even the closest who understand to what extent this stage is difficult to accept. I believe that this step is the most difficult to accept because it was imposed on me, been imperative by this big shit of Mister K ?
First time of my life that I have to resign myself to such a reality, I do not have wombs anymore I would never have my big stomach that I dreamed of since so young …
My circle of acquaintances tries lovingly to bring me towards a rational way, by telling me that love of a child builds itself day after day, that they removed it all to save my life, I do not absolutely doubt it, I know it, understand today that my work of acceptance is based only at the time which passes , that to make my mourning, and to accept that I shall always be different from my friends…
Only the time bandages wounds, only the time shows way to mourning, any word, any made sentence will change it, it is as it is, today I just have to accept and live with it to reconstruct me.
And consider that I am working on it ;)! For me at first, for P. of course, my parents, but for my close friends as well. :-)
It is necessary that I readjustto the social and collective life!
I look forward to as much as you that the mourning comes to an end, but my term I am afraid will last a little more than 9 months ;)
In my age I have no other choice than to make this mourning, because the life continues, and because around me the news of pregnant women rains down, I am pulled between the enjoyment to share their Happiness, and be inevitably dismissed to my condition…
I know that the maternal instinct as would say it Elisabeth Badinter is not innate, but since my youngest age I fed secretly this dream to be a mother, and to carry a child, I dreamed to look in a mirror and to have a big stomach …Already small I disguised with cousins and under my wide dresses I would create the illusion of the maternity. But that was before… My life will be there different…
Well here we are, do not thank me for having rotted your good mood ;)
The purpose of this post is not to calm my neuroses, it is just the opportunity to warn those who as me would be in the same dead end, do not confineyourself to a single verdict if the timing of your treatments allows it, consult other doctors , who maybe will be able to enlighten this road, without putting yourself at risk!
Indeed I think that when you are announced of a K, we think at first of our life naturally, but for those who would like to think of a life after of the K (because it is necessary to cling to it also), if this desire of a child is as for me very present, do not forget that this option can exist somehow or other, I do not say that it works each time, but it exists and if you can try, go there!
The chemo is really essential to attack the bad cells, but let us not forget that it affects all the cells, including the oocytes, thus even if your Cancer is not ovarian inform yourself on the effects of your cocktails on those parts just to be sure :-)
Before the beginning of treatments, ask your doctors if the chemo distorts the fertility. I am conscious that in the stream of "happy news" of the beginning of the K we do not think of this part, but it is necessary to inquire if it is important for you! Ask what are the risks of carrying a child after a cancer, if the eggs will be active after Mister K!
The taking of oocytes is not always recommended because of the not very compatible injection of hormones with Mister K, but ask all the possible questions!
In France, we can, according to what I understood (but once again I am not a doctor, so inform you with specialists):
1)make a taking of oocytes by injection of hormones to stimulate the creation of oocytes and then freeze them
2) what i did (ovariectomy for cryogenic preservation of oocytes)
3) have an egg donation for an in vitro fertilization
4) and of course to adopt
This time this not in France but in several countries of Europe (Belgium / Spain for example) or in the USA (only country I believe where you can choose the surrogate mother) we also can:
1)With your eggs (if you collect them) and the champions of your +1 to make a MAP
2) with an egg donation and the champions of your +1 to make a MAP
Today, it is in the name of my freedom of speech that I expressed the battle that I defended relentlessly, I respect the opposite opinions, but I pledge that as any opinion (the good ones rather) it is necessary to leave the free word for those who defend it, my blog is no forum of debate, even if I am even excited and activist in my soul, amen! And to be honest I am for the freedom of speech only for the just people and not for the idiots ;)!
And then once again we are always excellent at giving lessons to the others, but when the shit sometimes falls on you, you clearly revise your principles... Meditate!
It is as a politician who expresses his opinion when he is Minister for Labor and when he had never worked in his life;) (too easy)
Although, I hope to have been able to enlighten those who would need it
Thanks to all those who took the time to read me.
Next post n° 13: THE SPORT KIT
See you soon.
Read my previous posts:
- Post 3: CHEMO’S EVE
- Post 4: DAY FATER CHEMO
- Post 6: HAPPY HOUR MY CHEMO'S COCKTAILS
- Post 7: THE OBSESSION HAIR
- Post 8: BEAUTY KIT
- Post 9: THE LOOK DURING THE K
- Post 11: THE SIDE CARE // WELLNESS TREATMENTS
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